I was reading a book today, Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My Soul and My God, by Jennie Allen. It read so close to who I am - or at least who I want to be. I want to give God everything - there is a place in my heart that really wants that - but at this point I give Him nothing. I have this part of me that longs to live my whole life for Him, but I can honestly say at this point He at best has a peripheral role in my life and Christ-follower is just one entry on the list of the many words that describe me. And I am discontent. I feel so distant from God and even though I read "draw near to me and I will draw near to you," I feel like the distance has never decreased and I am still as far away as I have ever been. How can I pray, "God, I will do anything?" when I feel like I need to start at being willing to do something. There is this part of me that believes before I pray that prayer I have to start checking off the boxes: daily bible reading - check. daily prayer time - check, serving - check, weekly worship - check. And then I get lost again.
In the song Fingerprints of God by Stephen Curtis Chapman, the chorus starts, "I can see the fingerprints of God when I look at you." Since the first time I heard that song, I have joked that the fingerprints of God must be on my neck as He is shaking me and telling me - not harshly, but firmly - to get it together. I have not gotten it together.
Then I hear these lyrics, "What about the change? What about the difference? What about the grace? What about forgiveness? What about a life that's showing I'm undergoing the change?" from the song The Change, also by Stephen Curtis Chapman and I ask myself those very questions. Has my life radically changed since I came to know Jesus? Does my life show I am undergoing change? The truthful answer to those questions is no. And I fight the feelings of shame that want to park in my heart. And I wonder what I have done wrong. And I wonder what are the magic words, what is the secret prayer, what is the ritual or habit or practice that will bring about the changed life.
I do not have those answers. And I hear in my head "Jesus is the answer" and while that I know that is true, as the answer to my struggle, to my desire to go deeper, harder, fearlessly - to know Him with all that I am and abandon my life to Him to use as His own, it rings trite and superficial and feels like drinking tea out of an empty cup.
Jesus is the answer - my struggle is to define the question, my question, an with it my purpose. And so, I start to pray, "anything, Lord"..........
